Baggage: how heavy is yours?

Baggage. We all have it. We enter into relationships, romantic or not, with our bags full of past experiences, past relationships, past pain, past joy. Some people choose to carefully unpack their baggage and discard things that are longer useful (unhealthy ways of thinking, toxic relationships, bad habits).  However, no matter how self-aware we are, our history is what frames our present experiences. We may even learn new and effective coping strategies but when faced with heightened emotional situations it’s common nature to revert back to old thinking/behavior that often that leads to taking things personally.

It’s a skill to learn to not take things personally. Sometimes this skill is learned fast, sometimes slowly, and sometimes at the sake of relationships and personally peace. There are books upon books written about the topic; my favorite is The Four Agreements.

I also heard the 3 P’s discussed recently and I thought it was a clever way to do a quick ‘self check’  if you notice yourself feeling emotionally flooded. The idea being, when something happens or someone says something that is disagreeable to you, do you:

1.  take it Personally? (“they are right, they saw through me, they don’t like me”)
2.  believe and start to believe its Permanent? (“this is never going to change, it’s all my fault”)
3.  believe or start to think the event or idea is Pervasive? (“nothing ever goes right”)

Bottom line, it’s normal to take things personally. The goal is to learn to do it less. People are thinking about themselves way more than they are thinking about you. You’ve come so far with that baggage, maybe it’s time to open it up and toss out some ‘old’ things that aren’t serving you anymore. And BONUS, your load will be lighter. 😊

Be well!

Sarah

If you are in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how EQUIP Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

Does YOUR marriage need a TUNE up?

I believe that couples counseling is akin to changing the oil in your car. A relationship needs regular, predictable maintenance and care in order to run smoothly. Without it a relationship may fail. I encourage couples to find a counselor and commit to periodically having ‘check-in’ sessions with this person. So WHEN, not if, issues come up there is already a support system in place with which both parents feel safe to hash out said problems. Like changing the oil in car, instead of waiting until the engines fails due to low oil, you prioritize maintenance in order avoid major catastrophe. 

Have you and your partner been regularly changing the oil in your relationship? Do you both have a place where you feel safe to talk about your feelings/fears/desires? Or do you feel on the verge of a relationship failure due to lack of maintenance? Finding a good couples counselor is a great start; be honest with each other about what you are looking for when seeking out a good fit.

Sometimes couples benefit from adding a more intense program to periodic couples counseling. Here in the Northwest we are very lucky to be near the Gottman Institute where some of the best research based couples support is found. The link below is for the often offered 2 day intensive couples workshop “The Art and Science of Love.” Check it out. It’s an amazing workshop where you will leave with hands on ways to strengthen your relationship. And bonus, several groups receive discounted rates: 

·       Microsoft Employees: NO charge for Seattle workshops

·       Clergy: $200 off enrollment fee

·       Armed Forces: $200 off enrollment fee

https://www.gottman.com/couples/workshops/art-science-of-love/

Be well,
Sarah

If you are in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how EQUIP Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

It's Moving Day

If you follow my Facebook Business Page (https://www.facebook.com/equipcounseling/) you’ll know that my office has moved. It’s been “all hands on deck” having ONE week to prep the space and move in. The last pictures were hung today; thanks to everyone for their help!   

Have fun seeing the office progression below!

Sarah

Two walls were PURPLE before today!

My Dad showed up with everything from drop cloth to paint 

My Mom & Sister Mary help unpack & enjoy the amazing taco truck next door

It's getting real!

Thanks Mom & Pop for you help!

My amazing husband who spent his Saturday with a Uhual & all my furniture 

That's a wrap!

If you are in crisis please call 911.

  

If you would like more information about how Equip Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

Are we raising ANXIOUS kids?

I had dinner with my parents tonight and, as always, am reminded of why I love living 20 minutes away from them. My kids love their “Grammie” and “Grandpa” and I love the adult relationship that I’ve be able to develop with them. Tonight my Dad told me about the article I’m discussing and sharing below. Thank you, Pop!

If you asked me to highlight my favorite parts of this article, this blog post would be deliriously long. The article is that good. Yes, it’s long but I encourage you to read it in entirety if you are concerned about raising capable and resilient little people. 😊

The author (Benoit Denzet-Lewis) is posing the questions “Why are our teenagers suffering more anxiety?” He presents several actual case studies as well as researchers in the field. He attests that “Anxiety is the most common mental-health disorder in the United States, affecting nearly one-third of both adolescents and adults, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. But unlike depression, with which it routinely occurs, anxiety is often seen as a less serious problem” (Benoit Denzet-Lewis). 

Denzet-Lewis goes on to present research from Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, who researches adolescent mental health, that finds “(that) the use of social media and smartphones look culpable for the increase in teen mental-health issues.” This is bold and forward thinking that has been looked at some but needs more research.

Denzet-Lewis goes on to look at what happens when we as parents, as well as our education system, lower possible stress/anxiety producing situations and how that directly correlates to lowered teen ‘resiliency.’ One mom in the piece made the poignant comment, “The million-dollar question of raising an anxious child is: When is pushing her going to help because she has to face her fears, and when is it going to make the situation worse and she’s going to have a panic attack?”

Overall the article raises multiple good points and continues to look at the connection between increased technology usage and depression/anxiety. As a parent of a teenager who has no social media I know that the battle is hard. I never place judgement on any decision another parent makes, parenting is hard enough without us judging one another. I do know, though, that our teen’s life is better off on a daily basis because she is free from the pull of social media. She’ll thank us one day, or not. 😊

Be well!

Sarah 

Enjoy the article:

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html

If you are in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how Equip Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

The LIST You Need if Getting Married

I don’t know about you, but I love LISTS. Not just lists, but lists, steps, bullet points, all of them. These strategies help to cut through superfluous information in order to allow the most important information to be highlighted. That’s why, when I find articles that have good lists about topics I find interesting, I pour through them as a fish to water. The article below is a great example. If you are thinking about getting married, or re-married it’s definitely worth reading.

Enjoy!

Sarah

http://www.bettermarriages.org/premarital/the-one-thing-11-relationship-experts-think-you-should-know-about-your-partner-before-marrying-them/

If you are in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how Equip Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

Save Your NOs

Parenting teens has always been challenging but it seems even more daunting now with the onslaught of media, constant connection with technology and mixed messages all around. I was given the advice a while back to “Save your NO’s” whenever possible while parenting teens.

Our teens are trying to figure out how the world works, sometimes it’s uncomfortable to watch that happen. If they feel close to us as parents, they will ENLIST us along the way (sharing their challenges, their fears, details of plans, etc).  If they feel marginalized and unheard they will DISMISS us (increased need for privacy, sharing little to no detail, avoidance). Saying YES repeatedly silently (or not) shows our teens “I believe in you! I trust your growing decision-making abilities and I’m here to support as you navigate making more of them.”

I want to clarify that this idea is not synonymous with being doormat and saying YES to everything our teens ask; you are still the adult entrusted with their safety. This is about giving our teens confidence to make choices/decisions while they are in our homes.  Say YES to all the little and medium things so they can learn and make mistakes with us right there to coach them through it. You will have to decide what the NO’s are for your family; I recommend establishing these NO’s before the issues come up. Then, when you do say NO, your NO’s have weight because of relationship fostered during all the many times you said YES.

If you already are doing this? Great! Keep it up, it’ll pay off. If you recoiled from the post above, I encourage you to challenge yourself with the questions below:

1.       Is your first answer is usually NO? Why? Is it just out of habit, or maybe just because ‘you are the parent’? Does it seem to be working well?

2.       Why NOT say YES? Really think about why you hesitate to say yes to things. If saying yes       trigger for YOU, perhaps its more about the control, less about the question.

3.       How would your relationship change if you said YES more times than NO this week with your teen? Maybe try it. 😊

Well, that’s it for this post! I look forward to connecting soon.

Be well,

Sarah

*If you have a teen in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how Equip Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

About Me

I am a therapist, yogini, wife, mom and introvert. Born and raised in the Pacific Northwest, I am surrounded by family and believe that these strong family roots led me to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. I love to work with Blended Families and all that comes with that adventure. I have four kids, a blended family, a crazy dog and thrive in chaos.. I look forward to connecting with you soon. -
Sarah

Top 5 tips for Blended Families

Top 5 Tips for Blended Families

1. Identify clear family structure: This might seem like a no brainer; you might be shaking your head thinking 'of course we know who is married to who and who lives with who.' You would be surprised, if you have little kids they often do not understand the complicated relationships and circumstances that got you to the place you are now. You must clarify- using a picture from of a family tree is a great visual aid. The kids in your family system need this clarity in order to begin forming a confident sense of self.
2. Clarify and utilize best communication methods: Often there is confusion about personal preferential ways to communicate. These personal preferences must be communicated and in return, honored, in order to best serve the family system. 
3. Recognize each persons individual needs: Each individual experiences love in a different way. During times of change it would benefit each person to think LESS about what they need and MORE about what the family around them needs. This might be the step where you recognize that someone needs outside support. 
4. Identify and embrace outside resources: It is often challenging and uncomfortable to reach outside our nuclear family system for support but this 4th step challenges you to identify and actually embrace a least a few outside resources (close friends, school staff, support groups, spiritual organization, community center, counseling).
5. Assume the Best First: This step is universal. If we all went into interactions assuming the bestof the other party how different would OUR mood be throughout the day? You can chose to letyour negative thoughts control your behavior OR you can chose to change your thoughts, in turn changing your behavior, in turn change your habits and character.
   

Welcome Welcome!

Are you excited? I am. You are reading my first blog post. Over the years many people have told me I should write down some of my most memorable stories in book form. I'd like to think people enjoy my stories because of my wonderful re-telling abilities but it probably has more to do with the fact that I have a full, usually amazing, often chaotic life. I like to think of it as BLESSED. And Blended.

While I'm not quite at the book stage yet, this blog is a great way to share some of those stories, experiences, and life lessons- as well as how they have helped shape my worldview and therapeutic focus. As a Marriage and Family therapist in private practice I have chosen to narrow my scope to focus on work with BLENDED families. If you know our family story you will understand this partially comes from personal experience and I'm sure some of those stories will serve as reference in this blog. But more so, I feel like this population is highly under served.

Marriage and Parenting is hard even when things are going smoothly and harmoniously. What happens when things are acrimonious and unstable? Marriage and Parenting can become downright un-fun. When this happens, we no longer focus on thriving but simply on surviving. This is no way to live.

My goal through this blog is to lighten your load around blended family issues using stories, current topics, evidence based research and education. Sound boring? Don't worry, it won't be. My posts will be often but brief as I am aware of each of your busy lives.

Questions:

Q: Is this blog only going to be about blended families?
A: Nope. I'll be posting about divorce, marriage, co-parenting, kids

Q: Do I have to be in a blended family to identify with your posts?
A: No way. I'll offer universal parenting, marriage, and personal growth ideas

Q: Does this mean you'll only see blended families in private practice?
A: No. My scope of practice supports me seeing all forms of clients, blended families is just the sub-set I have chosen to specialize in.


Well, that's it, folks! I hope you enjoyed my first official blog post. Stay tuned for the next one which will give my top 5 tips for Blended Families.

Be well,

Sarah