Would you rather be RIGHT or HAPPY?

There was an article written recently titled “How Co-Sleeping Ruined My Marriage.” It was written by a father (Van-Winkle) and it received a lot of backlash from the parenting community. I, however, enjoyed it immensely. If you can read past the specifics of the article it highlights the importance negotiation and compromise within partnership.

The author presents that he and his wife had very different views on co-sleeping and that, in the end, it was their lack of ability to change each other that led to the demise of their marriage. At the end of the article the author concludes that “co-sleeping was the casus belli- but the resulting chaos proved fatal” (Van-Winkle, 2015).

I will not take a stand on co-sleeping or not, that is not the point. The point is that all couples have problems that by nature are difficult to solve. John Gottman calls these ‘perpetual problems.’ These problems arise because of our strongly rooted belief systems, family or personal experiences, culture, and perspectives causing these beliefs to become areas of high emotion when challenged.

The good news? Every couple has perpetual problems.

The bad news? It’s up to you and your partner if you choose to let perpetual problems become gridlocked perpetual problems (Gottman). They do not have to be.

How?

1. Find 1 positive thing in your partner's point of view, even if it’s dramatically different than yours. 
2. Accept that your partner’s view is part of what attracted you to them- don't squash it.
3. Bring humor and levity into these situations; it helps, trust me. 
4. Decide if you would rather be RIGHT or HAPPY, you cannot be both all the time.
   

One of my favorite professors authored a book called, “We’ve Had This Fight Before.” The idea being that most couples will not have 500 fights but the same 5 fights 100 times. It’s a fascinating theory and an even better read. This would be another illustration of perpetual problems. The next time you are eager to jump on your partner for the same thing again? It might be worth remembering the adage that you ‘cannot change someone else, only your reaction.’

So, today, would you rather be RIGHT or would you rather be HAPPY?

Be well,

Sarah

Disclaimer: the above problems do not apply to abuse or neglect. If you are in need of more support, visit www.equipcounseling.com.

Tops Tips for Co-Parenting During the Holidays

Ready or not, the holiday season is upon us. Maybe this is your first holiday season in separate homes or maybe it’s been years. Either way, the holiday season brings up emotion that can often complicate our experiences; this article really highlights this topic well. Considering the holidays are prime memory-making times for our kids, below are the Top Tips I recommend to help make this season smooth and enjoyable for everyone:

Tip 1: Plan Ahead: this might seem simple but really nailing down far in advance who has the kids what days goes far when bringing stability and helps takes the emotion out of situations. You had them on Christmas eve last year? Maybe it’s her turn this year. Presumably you follow a parenting plan but that is not always the case.

Tip 2: Over Communicate: Not only do specific dates need to be established but times, pickup locations, what clothing needs to come, etc. Often the holidays have altered details and we must overly communicate our expectations or be prepared for disappointment and frustration.

Tip 3: Maintain Traditions: Kids thrive when they experience traditions. Try and pick a handful of things you did prior to your separation and repeat them even though you are no longer together. Maybe you always went caroling with your family, still do it! Maybe you typically went to the snow with her family, you can still do it! Maybe you always built gingerbread houses as a family, do it anyway.

Tip 4: Relax: Our kids are more intuitive than we think. They know when we are stressed and likewise feel grounded and safe when we are relaxed. Be an example for your little kids that even in the midst of change it is OK to find contentment and joy.

If you would like more personal support to make the holiday season more enjoyable for your family, pop over to my website for details.

Be well,

Sarah

If you are crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how EQUIP Counseling can you and your family emotionally visit Equipcounseling.com

Got Clutter?

Clutter. We all have it. Whether or not we are good at purging or if it’s a challenge for us, most of us at times, struggle with clutter. Part of it comes from the ‘more is better’ mentality our society has created. What mom hasn’t come home from another birthday party or fast food restaurant with small toys that either end up on the floor of the car or scattered around the house? What person doesn't push stuff to the back of their closet or bookcase and commit to 'looking at it later?'

Did you know that clutter increases stress and increased stress leads to increased anxiety and depression? What are we to do?

I stumbled up Allie Cazzaza from A Purpose Housewife blog being interviewed recently. Check out her blog for inspiring and doable ways to declutter and streamline your home. She’s inspired me to purge our house. This weekend alone we packed 16 trash bags full of clutter to take to Good Will, and there is more to come! 

What are YOU hanging on to that you could let go of? Sometimes holding on to physical things represents what we are unwilling to let go of emotionally. Perhaps today is the day you decide to take the first step in de-cluttering yourself emotionally. Talk therapy can be a great way to help organize your emotions and select which ones are no longer serving you. 

Be well!

Sarah

If you are crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how EQUIP Counseling can help declutter you emotionally visit Equipcounseling.com